Being in the bridal party is a huge honor, but it’s also a huge responsibility. If you’re not able to take on the role, here’s how to decline a bridesmaid proposal.
A friend you love dearly is tying the knot, and she’s just invited you to a “picnic brunch.” Or she’s asked you over for wine with a few other gal pals. Or she’s just slid a beautiful box with a white ribbon in front of you.
A bridesmaid proposal can be an intimate moment or a lavish event, but no matter the fanfare one thing is true — your friend wants you by her side on one of the most important days of her life. And that’s a huge honor.
But at the same time, let’s be real — being a bridesmaid isn’t exactly an easy task. Depending on the bride and her wedding plans, you could be looking a quite an expensive few months (or even years). And all that free time you were counting on? Not so fast! You’ve got a bachelorette to help plan, a bridal shower to help organize, and dress shopping trips to make.
It’s not that you don’t love your friend, but you also can’t take on bridesmaid responsibilities right now. Here’s how to decline a bridesmaid proposal in a way that won’t ruin your relationship.
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Reasons to decline a bridesmaid proposal
Did you know that the original role of a bridesmaid was to protect the bride from evil spirits? While you won’t have to fight off any demons, you will be expected to do a lot in the months leading up to your friend’s big day.
There are things that can get in the way of those tasks, and money is one of the biggest factors. Bridesmaid dresses aren’t cheap, you can’t afford a cross-country flight for the bachelorette, and chipping in for a bridal shower is going throw your budget way off balance.
Time is another common issue. Whether you work odd hours, you’re finishing up your degree, or you’ve got 2 littles under the age of 2, bridesmaid commitments can time away from your family and other pursuits.
Major life events also come into play. Maybe you’re due with your first baby a few weeks before the big day, maybe you’re busy planning your own wedding, or maybe you’re getting ready to start a demanding job. You’d end up having to skip a lot of the bridesmaid events anyway, which could harbor some bad blood between the two of you.
And not to sound harsh, but it’s also possible you don’t feel as close to the bride-to-be as she does to you. You may have been best friends in college, but you’ve drifted a part over the years and don’t have the same relationship as before. It may be hard to justify taking on such an important role in her wedding when the feeling isn’t mutual.
Finally, maybe you just don’t want to be in the bridal party. You love your friend dearly, but being a bridesmaid just…isn’t your thing.
All of these are valid reasons to decline a bridesmaid proposal.
Image courtesy of Gelfman Photography
How to decline a bridesmaid proposal
We don’t have to tell you that saying “no” to a bridesmaid proposal has the potential to be super awkward (not to mention friendship-ruining). It’s much better to decline now than accept and cause friction later, but you should still handle the situation with empathy and care.
First, don’t decline the proposal right away — especially if you’re a part of a public event, like a group brunch or picnic. You don’t want to say “yes” if you don’t really mean it, so instead tell the bride-to-be that you’re so honored she asked.
If you’ve been asked one-on-one, you can still express your gratitude for being included and then request a few days to think it over. It’s important to take some time and put together your thoughts in a respectful way.
When you’re ready to break the news, ask to chat in person or over the phone. Don’t rely on text or email, where your tone can be misinterpreted easily.
First, tell her again that you’re honored she asked. Then, follow up with your decline. If you’ve got a super specific reason, like you’re having a baby around the same time or you’re moving away for a new job, you can mention it here. If the reasons are more emotional or sensitive, keep it vague — you can say you’re declining for “personal reasons” or because you can’t devote the time required. Lastly, offer to help the bride in some other way that’s more manageable for you. Maybe that means doing a reading for the ceremony, or jotting down a thank you list at the bridal shower, or helping her bring decorations to the venue.
Here’s an example of what to say:
Thank you so much for asking me to be a bridesmaid. It would be such an honor to stand by you on your wedding day. Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to accept for personal reasons that would keep me from being there for you fully. I hope you understand, and I would love to help you in another way. Can I help with your decor?
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What happens after you decline a bridesmaid proposal
Your friend may be hurt, and that’s understandable. But ultimately, it’s better to say “no” to being a bridesmaid if your heart isn’t really into it. Forcing yourself to be in the bridal party when you don’t really want to could end in resentment on both sides. Honesty and transparency is always the best policy, as long as it’s done with careful thought. Your relationship will be the better for it.