This article is sponsored by Westbury Manor, a Brides of Long Island Preferred Venue!
Unfortunately, RSVPs aren’t that simple
We all look at our guess list and make predictions on who will actually make it. Aunt Susan and Uncle Jim? Definite yeses. That old sorority sister you’re only inviting because you feel obligated? Probably not.
But every once in a while, our predictions can be way off. Our “definites” end up surprising us by checking the “no” box on our RSVPs. When that happens, sometimes it can feel…well, a little hurtful. Why don’t they want to celebrate your most important day? You made it to their wedding, why can’t they reciprocate?
If you’ve read through your fair share of posts in the Brides of Long Island Facebook group, you’ve probably seen this common lament. And well-meaning fellow brides will often share a popular take:”If they want to come to my wedding, they will.” Meaning if your wedding is important enough, they’ll figure out a way to attend.
Here’s the thing, though — life is rarely, if ever, that black and white.
Image courtesy of JoVon Photography
Planning a wedding is a major part of your life, but it isn’t the only part of your life. You have family, work, and friends to think about too. You may even have children or be responsible for an aging parent. You may have pets, you may be juggling several side gigs, you may be dealing with a demanding boss, or you may be trying your best to get out of debt. You may even have health concerns you aren’t sharing with anyone, or you may be struggling with an issue in your relationship.
Those are all possible factors in your guests’ lives, too. As much as we may think we know someone, we don’t know everything going on. You may have a friend or family member that wants to come to your wedding more than anything, but they only have a certain number of days off work and they have to save them for their own purposes. Or they don’t have reliable childcare. Or they can’t swing a cross-country plane ticket, give you a nice wedding gift, and pay their past due credit card bill in the same month. You get the picture.
Image courtesy of Heritage House
When you write off a “no” RSVP as someone simply not wanting to attend your wedding, you’re taking their lack of attendance personally when it’s most likely not. They may even feel worse about it than you do! Taking offense will negatively impact your relationship, possibly at a time when they really need your love and support.
What should you do when you get a surprise “no”?
If you’re shocked by an out-of-the-blue decline, take some time to breathe. You don’t want to act on impulse, and you don’t want to say or do something you regret later.
The best course of action is to communicate in a positive, uplifting way. Saying something like “I’m so sorry you can’t make it, but we know you’ll be celebrating with us in spirit” lets them know you’ll miss their presence but you understand that they’ll be thinking of you.
If you’re concerned that something may be wrong, check in on them without demanding answers. Saying something like “I got your RSVP, I’m so sad to see you can’t attend. If you need anything, even just to talk, I’m always here.” They may feel comfortable enough to explain their decline, or they may not. But they’ll definitely know that you care about them.