It’s Okay if You’re Not Okay With it: Setting Expectations and Boundaries for Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties

Yes, your “last fling before the ring” should be a fun (maybe even raucous!) event. But it shouldn’t violate the trust of your partner, or put your relationship on unstable ground. Here’s how to set appropriate expectations and boundaries for bachelor and bachelorette parties.

When you think of bachelor or bachelorette parties, a few images probably come to mind: a never-ending flow of alcohol, a group of friends going wild in a limo, maybe even some behavior that borders on “questionable.” But it’s all in good fun…right?

Here’s the thing – both you and your fiancé should expect to have a GREAT time at your respective celebrations. But these parties are not an opportunity to throw trust and commitment out the window, without fear of facing any repercussions. It is okay to not be okay with your fiancé crossing the line, even if a friend, a family member, or popular culture tries to tell you otherwise. 

That “line” is different for every couple, so it’s important to set expectations and boundaries for bachelor and bachelorette parties – before the big event. 

Communication is key

As with nearly every issue in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), communication is paramount. While it may seem like your fiancé can read your mind (how in the world did they know you were craving tacos?), they can’t. Based on the nature of your relationship, they may have an idea of what’s “off-limits” for their bachelor or bachelorette celebration, but the best course of action is always honesty and clear communication.

Before your fiancé’s party, sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Let them know your expectations. Don’t be afraid to get specific – maybe you’re fine with a strip club, but not with a private room or lap dance. Maybe you’re fine with all of it. Maybe you’re not fine with any of it. What’s “okay” and “not okay” will vary for everyone, but it’s important that those “lines” are clearly defined. 

That goes for your end as well. Ask your fiancé about their “lines” for your events, so you have a strong sense of their expectations and boundaries. 

Time to trust

Once you’ve both communicated your feelings and established your limits, trust that your fiancé will respect your wishes. You are about to get married to this person after all, and what is a committed relationship without trust? You may have an urge to keep checking in with them periodically, and doing so once or twice is understandable – especially if they’re headed out of town. But if you’ve talked it out and come to a mutual agreement, trust that they will honor the boundaries you’ve set in place. 

If you’re having trouble trusting your fiancé even after you’ve discussed your expectations, it may be a good idea to seek out couples counseling. An objective third-party expert, like a psychologist or licensed clinical social worker, can be an incredibly helpful teammate in navigating your relationship.

When trust is broken

Discovering that your fiancé has ignored a boundary can be nothing short of earth-shattering.  Like the title of this article says – it’s okay not to be okay if your trust has been broken.

If your fiancé crossed a line during their celebrations, give yourself some time. Speak with a best friend, a close family member, or a mental health professional. Take a few days to process your emotions around the situation. Treat yourself with loving kindness, and give yourself the physical and mental space to be upset. Your feelings – whatever they may be – are valid.

When the initial shock has passed, make a decision on moving forward. For some, it will mean postponing or cancelling a wedding. For others, it will mean entering into counseling – individually, as a couple, or both – to rebuild what was broken. It may mean a host of different outcomes, depending on your situation. Whatever “moving forward” looks like for you, make decisions with your best interests in mind. Remember – there is no venue deposit or wedding gown cost that’s worth the price of your well-being.   

Celebrate and have fun!

By setting some guidelines before your bachelor or bachelorette events, both you and your partner can celebrate to the fullest! Trust us – it’s worth having an open and honest dialogue, so that you can both party without question or worry.